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Desert Island Films #77 – Baked Movie Reviews

Desert Island Films

Baked from Baked Movie Reviews has kindly submitted his Desert Island Films. Read on for his choices and reasons, and be sure to check out his site.

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Desert Island Films is about choosing 8 films you would take if you were going to be stranded on a desert island and explaining your choices. They don’t necessarily have to be your favourites, just 8 films, no more or no less! You are also permitted to take one book and one novelty item which must be inanimate and of no use in escaping the island or allowing communication from outside.

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Desert Island Films #77 – Baked Movie Reviews

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Regular readers of my blog will be familiar with my method but those of you out there who have never heard of bakedmoviereviews will have no idea what it is that I do or what makes my blog unique. In short, I get high, watch movies, and then write up semi-comedic/semi-insightful reviews.

My blog started out as way for me to cope with some issues I was facing in my life. Last summer, I lost my job, my boyfriend, my apartment, and was forced to self-deport from the USA after my boss reneged on a promise to sponsor me for a new visa. I had no option but to return to a country I no longer called home and look for employment in a stagnant job market in which some of my friends had been unemployed for over a year. I was a wreck. There were days when I couldn’t get out of bed and often I would have to lock myself in the bathroom and sob with the palm of my hand pressed firmly over my mouth because I didn’t want my family to know how broken I felt on the inside.

Through it all there were two things that kept me going: movies and weed. It’s an odd combination but an effective one nonetheless. Whenever I smoked and then watched a movie I became distracted from all the shit that was happening around me. It was the one time when I wasn’t focusing on how awful my life had become. Weed was a tool made me more receptive to what I was seeing on screen and helped me power through my problems. I wanted to share my journey and so I began to write and, in doing so, I discovered that I enjoyed it immensely.

The movies I have chosen aren’t necessarily my favorite films. In fact, one of my least favorite films is included on the list. However, they’re the films that I think would help me the most if I were stuck on an island.

I’d just like to say thank you to Tyson for letting me do this. Without further ado, here are my choices.

1) The Goonies

The Goonies

This is one my favorite movies from childhood. It’s hard to watch this movie without smiling. Growing up, I wanted the kind of adventure that the Goonies embarked upon. Unfortunately, I grew up in an area of the English countryside without pirates. The closest thing we had were gypsies having sex with townies in the local graveyard. Any gypsy treasure found would have no doubt been infected with various forms of hepatitis. I’ll need this film to reminisce about the good old days.

2) The Shining

The Shining

From a technical standpoint, I think that this is one of the most brilliant films ever made. Although it differs from the original King novel in a lot of ways, I find that it doesn’t really matter. Kubrick really put his stamp on this movie and turned a great book into a terrifying and beautiful movie. I like to get scared so this movie will distract me from the real-world terror of being isolated on an island which is no doubt infested with deadly creatures only seen in the nightmares of the Australian continent.

3) Perfect Blue

Perfect Blue

Anyone who has even glanced at my blog will know that I love anime. In my mind, Satoshi Kon was the Japanese Hitchcock and this film exemplifies that. It’s sick, twisted, atmospheric, innovative, and exciting. The twist is so messed up that you’ll have to rewatch the movie to even begin to understand it. No matter how many times I’ve seen this movie, I never get tired of it.

4) Shark Attack 3: Megalodon

Shark Attack 3

Selachophobia: the fear of sharks. I suffer from it badly but I love shark movies thanks to my grandmother who forced me to watch Jaws at the tender age of five. If stranded on an island, I’d need something to remind me to not go in the water. I could have chosen Jaws for this but I decided to go with this turd because there’s something hysterical yet unnerving about watching John Barrowman telling a girl that he wants to eat her pussy minutes before we see a man drive into the mouth of a shark on a jet ski.

5) Blade Runner

Blade Runner

Easily one of the best sci-fi movies of all time, Blade Runner proves that you can make a film that is just as intelligent as it is beautiful and thrilling. I’ll probably get quite bored on the island so I’ll need something to keep my mind active and all the philosophical themes featured in this movie should help with that.

6) Sex and the City 2

Sex and the City 2

I’m a firm believer that to appreciate the good in life you must experience the bad. This film is like standing in an elevator with the human centipede and the eye monster from Pan’s Labyrinth and one of them has let out the most heinous fart imaginable but you can’t ask whodunit because you don’t want to talk to either of them. It’s soul-crushing but it’s those moments in life that make you stronger.

7) Catwoman

Catwoman

Sometimes I get sad and, when that happens, I need to remember that things could be worse: they could be a Halle Berry kind of worse. No matter how awful things are, take comfort in the knowledge that you will never make/write/star in something as awful as a film in which Halle Berry acts like a feline-obsessed crack addict.

8) Kiki’s Delivery Service

Kiki's Delivery Service

Fans of my blog will also know that I’m a huge Studio Ghibli fan. Kiki’s Delivery Service is not actually my favorite Ghibli film but it’s perhaps the one that had the greatest effect on me. When I was at one of my lowest points, this film offered me hope and an inspirational message. When I watched this movie, it was like someone had opened a window in my head which let fresh air inside. I felt good that’s definitely something I’ll need when stranded on an island.

Book – Sail by James Patterson

Novel

The story of a dysfunctional family stranded on an island. Together they must face danger every 2-3 pages in the form of a boat explosion, a shark, a snake, and a former CIA operative who has become an assassin. This book is garbage but there might be some useful tidbits of information in it…failing that, I’m sure it’d make good toilet paper.

Luxury Item – Solar-powered laptop with Microsoft Word but no internet

Luxury Item

When life gives you lemons, cut those lemons in half and squeeze that citric acid into the eyes of life for being such a cunt. I’d use the laptop with Microsoft Word to pen a best-selling novel chronicling the experiences of a shipwrecked boy. Eventually he goes crazy from dehydration and hallucinates characters from the films he loves who comfort him as he is forced to self-cannibalize from the feet up. Now that is some fucked up Stephen King shit right there.

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Thanks again to Baked for taking the time to join the prestigious castaway list. If you would like to submit your choices and add your name to THIS LIST, please drop me an email to – tysoncarter@hotmail.co.uk

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18 Comments

  1. Thanks again for your list ‘baked’ 😉

    Some far out choices, but your reasoning is funny and well thought out. Also loved the personal message and explanation for your site, always nice when a castaway sheds some more light on themselves. Great post, proud to have you onboard 🙂

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  2. Great job all! Love the choices, especially Blade Runner ;). Just so you know, I love your blog Baked (yours too Tyson!), don’t ever stop :).

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  3. theipc

     /  September 25, 2013

    Looks good, Baked! Good stuff!

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  4. Wow, lot of bad movies: Shark Attack 3, Sex & the City 2, Catwoman, and Blade Runner.

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  5. Interesting. Very interesting. Interesting computer, too.

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  6. Tom

     /  September 25, 2013

    Great post Baked!!! Some interesting choices for sure but like Tyson said the justifications behind em all are great!! Nice job.

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  7. I hope weed grows on your island too.

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  8. Great list! I always like to see some love for that utterly absurd John Barrowman line in Shark Attack 3. Definitely one of the most eclectic lists I’ve seen on here!

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  9. Blade Runner… nice!
    Why didn’t I choose that? Classic.

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  10. … interesting stuff there! Not sure I’d bring along Sex and the City 2 under any circumstances, no matter how well reasoned!

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  11. Perfect Blue Yay, Catwoman No! 😀

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  12. Good on you for The Goonies! Also, considering your criteria, I cannot for the life of me understand why The Big Lebowski isn’t on your list! 🙂

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  13. Funny list! I hope I’m never stuck on an island with you, i’d find the tallest coconut tree and jump to my death, lol. 😀

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  14. Victor De Leon

     /  September 26, 2013

    This lists runs the gamut! I love it. Great picks and Shark Attack 3 has the best shark vs jet ski scene ever. Thanks for this post and thanks for that testimonial. That was very brave and honest. Good job. 🙂

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  15. Hilarious! Excellent work as always, Baked. 🙂 Hey! I thought you were a girl? You have some of my favorites in here (Blade Runner, The Shining) so I’d be perfectly happy on that island with you. And if you can somehow get some weed onto the island, maybe you can force me to watch those SATC bitches. 🙂

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